One year has passed.
It's strange how we tend to put weight on exact dates and times. Yesterday wasn't really that different from today. There's work, days off. Running errands, taking pictures, eating lunch, drinking wine and enjoying the warm weather sunset.
Today really shouldn't be all that different from yesterday. And at the same rate, tomorrow shouldn't be all that different from today. Doing the same things, walking the same paths, ordering the same exact iced coffee through the drive-through that you do every day. Medium iced with one sugar melted and cream.
I suppose it has to do with numbers. I've never been good with remembering numbers. But I'll never forget this one date.
Everyone loves to say that everything happens for a reason.
I can see those reasons now, loud and clear.
However, none of them are good enough for me to stop missing her.
There will never be any reason good enough for her to not be here today.
It was incredibly difficult at first to see the handful of friends who were pregnant at the same time as me give birth normally. I see their children growing and learning.
I can picture through them how big Luca would have been now, what things she would be able to do now. I wonder how adorable she should have been now, and at every month along the way.
And at the same time, I have had friends and acquaintances who have endured unfortunate struggles along the way and thought of me through their own pain. Miscarriages, premature birth, unexpected disease...
Knowing that my story has touched others is invaluable to me.
Today I walked the same path that I've been walking for weeks. But somehow every single detail was different. Every flower, every blade of grass smelled different. The way that the ocean was calm as a mirror.
I wrote her name in the sand, even though nobody will ever see it.
I wrote it, I saw it.
And that's enough.
